End Game

End Game

Within a month I decided to move kit and caboodle to Hawaii. I had just always wanted to live there and there was nothing left to stop me. Also, Hawaii was very supportive of veterans. There were military hospitals, golf courses, PX’s, commissaries.

It took me awhile to find the right place. I flew over and did research for 9, 10 days. Then I watched the web for new condo listings.

I bought the car I wanted for my “Hawaii car” on ebay. It’s a replica of a 1929 Mercedes Roadster Convertible…sitting atop a Ford Pinto and looks magnificent. I also got a 249cc Honda scooter with a top speed of about 70mph…and then went to Motorcycle school to get my license.

Seven months later, I lucked into buying the last cheap condo for sale in Waikiki. My agent sent me digital photos of a 9^th floor, 1120 sq/ft 2 bedroom, 2 bath condo with a $199 asking price. I asked her to make an immediate offer of $205k. She argued but placed the order…after the condo had been on the market less than 6 hours. (Thank God for email and digital photos.) They accepted the offer…and before escrow closed they had to reject three other higher offers.

I had put it all together. I had a functioning mind, I had my awakening, I had a great condo in Waikiki just 2 ½ blocks from the beach (2 ½ short blocks to Waikiki. Really…short blocks.)

I had the most fantastic car in Waikiki…the biggest High Definition TV in Waikiki…the hottest little scooter…

I had dropped weight at the gym…from 245lbs down to 185 lbs for that beach body I hadn’t seen in years. I had a sweet pension and NO TAXES. Even Hawaii stepped up and clipped my property taxes to minimal because of my vet status. Hawaii also chooses not to impose income tax on any pensions.

Hawaii was shaping up pretty well.

I arranged to pay for the condo and book my flight. I paid a bundle to ship the car and most of my books, clothes and furniture to Honolulu.

My family, generally, seems to live into their late 80’s. Mom and Dad were touring New England (without wheelchairs or walkers) and they were both in their mid-80’s.

My point is that I was still approaching 60. I could reasonably expect to sit in the sand at Waikiki and wiggle my toes…quite comfortably…for the next 20 to twenty-five years.

Things had all come together…and I was enlightened…and not only was I in heaven, I was also living in paradise. And the pension was going to take very good care of me.

I could look forward to nothing but Peace and Joy and good times for the next 25 years.

Life was good. I emailed Brian and other friends from back home.

I spent my days exploring the island on my scooter.

Life went on.

Then one afternoon, I realized that a movie I had meant to see was about to leave town. When a hit movie had ended its run at the major theaters, it would play at The Wallace for maybe a week.

The movie was “Hide and Seek” with DeNiro and Dakota Fanning…and I didn’t want to miss these two together on the screen. (I’m a huge movie buff.)

Anyway, I turned up South Street and a woman driving towards me made a very slight swerve and I panicked and lost control of the scooter. The knee was quickly trashed. The ambulance came and they hit me with morphine.

The upshot of all of this is that I ended up in the hospital in a great deal of pain…waiting for the enormous swelling to come down so they could operate.

Like I mentioned…my life had been beautifully and blessedly designed to be incredibly fantastic for the next 25 blissful years.

Then this unassuming little man walked up to the side of my bed and explained that they had ran some tests and found that I had advanced small cell lung cancer and that I had roughly six to nine months to live.

Just like that.

Six to nine months to live. Like that.

I felt a little bump in my chest. Just a slight little lurch of a sort, but that was all of it. I later referred to the announcement as “a little bump in the road”.

Then and now, that’s the way I felt about it; a little bump in the road.

Highly unfair, really.

I had so little reaction that the doctor, Dr. Cho…Hawaii’s leading oncologist, assumed that the cancer was too advanced in my brain for me to comprehend the death sentence he bad just dropped on me.

But I knew exactly what he had said. Frankly, I just didn’t know what to do with that info. Was I supposed to say something? I just smiled and continued whatever I’d been doing.

There were several other doctors standing around. I think I heard them wondering why I wasn’t already in the hospital. Wasn’t I in a lot of pain? No, I wasn’t. They assumed that with the amount of cancer in my brain, I must be having severe headaches. But I had no pain from anywhere. I was diving in to ocean most every day of the week.

I asked Dr. Cho what we were going to do next and started describing chemotherapy. I quickly agreed to starting chemo as soon as possible.

I was dying!! Geeze.

I had this whole life planned out.

After a lifetime of searching, I had moved into my awakening for the past two years or so.

My life was perfect.

And now I had a few months to live.

Geeze.

And…weird as it seems…I wasn’t freaking out.

I was still at peace. I was still whole…complete.

Totally fulfilled…and dying in a few months.

Is this not totally bizarre…but also totally unfair.

And what is this “unfair” crap? It is what it is. How ya gonna deal with it, Dude?

What choice do I have?

Soon after my awakening, a line from Desiderata jumped from the rest: Whether we understand it or not, no doubt the universe is unfolding exactly as it should.

It has evolved a little, but never changed. The place where I am demands that I accept the unfolding of the universe. The “Sacred What-Is” constitutes all the reality of the universe. What is now is before me and cannot be rejected.

Reality happens.

Deal with it.

It required no effort at all to just accept what is.

What’s to argue with? It is…what is.

What could be more real?

Somehow, it all worked for me.

I was dying.

Soon to be dead.

And it was ok with me.

Yes.

I could accept it

I was easily “up to” accepting the unfolding of the universe.

Bring it on.

If I accepted this and still remained whole and at peace within…all was right.

Life had remained perfect.

Except for that little bump in the road…cancer. Geeze!