Since Then
Allow me to tie up some loose ends and, later on, I’ll include some random writings.
After a bit, I was able to send out some emails…and in these emails I am able to share some of my feelings that arose soon after my getting the news of my impending death.
I thought you might want to read some of the emails I wrote to friends after finding out about my cancer.
Most of you know most of this, but some don’t…so, for the sake of review…. I had an ugly little scooter accident here in
I talked at length with my brain radiation doctor yesterday. He happens to be the most positive of my 7 or 8 doctors. Anyway, he says that my odds are very, very good at surviving two years. People have scattered results with surviving 2 to 5 years, and virtually no luck at all of making it 5 years. Then again, Dr. Brown is the MOST optimistic. The oncologist who runs this whole team is Dr. Cho and I don’t think Cho believes I’ll see 2006…. But I intend to prove him wrong. And two years is a HUGE amount of time. I am at peace with the idea of not seeing the New Year and a lot more at peace with two years. No doubt the universe is unfolding exactly as it should. I am now. And I am alive. Life is sweet. It is always now. I am always alive and life is always sweet.
On the other hand, I feel no desire to cling or clutch at life. I feel complete. And I have more than a little curiosity about what lies through the next door. I am fully at peace with all that is happening.
I was released from the hospital last Tuesday. My friends slid me on an air mattress into the back of a pickup truck. Just seeing the Hawaiian sky again made me cry with joy.
My friend Isha (from
So we are all camped in here in my condo (except for Dovile) and the crew trades on and off for my care. My daughter goes to the gym each morning, Isha goes running and swimming before the sun comes up….and Tim strolls down to Kalakaua (the main drag in
I had three days of chemotherapy before I left the hospital and also had my first two days of brain radiation. Funny enough, but I have had absolutely no ill effects of either treatment. I’ve also had a 10 day series of shots to increase white blood cell count and those were supposed to make my bones and spine really give me some pain…but it never materialized.
As a matter of fact, as advanced as the cancer is supposed to be? My doctors are still amazed that the cancer is not causing me significantly more pain. They find my case strange. Someone in my circle has said it’s because I’ve given up attachment to this body, but if that were so….how come my leg hurts so much? But really, I don’t have any of the cancer pain that I am supposed to have and I have had no ill effects from the various treatments that were all supposed to have nasty side effects.
So…I’m doing well. I really am at peace. I am here to witness and accept the unfolding of the universe. That is all of my purpose. That is my reason for being. I am very content with that. And the sweetness of this life will be with me as long as it continues. And who is to say which of us will go first?
The truth is, I have never assumed that death was a negative. We simply don’t have any idea what death is really about. Most times, we react to death with the selfishness of the fact that we will so deeply miss the company of the departed. Beyond that, we only know that they are not around any more. But there’s no reason to assume that there’s any negative involved.
Okay…so I’ll work on being a little less maudlin. I’m doing fine. And I still feel like 2 years is an eternity. So…I’m not dying. I’ve got 2 years (or so?).
Yesterday I went to the hospital for the 8th of 10 brain radiation treatments. (They said my hair would fall out by now, but it hasn’t happened.) I also went to my orthopedic guy yesterday and he took the staples out of my leg and removed the brace. This made it a little more painful to get around; more painful to get in and out of the car. But, still, it is a little easier to sleep at night…but a little harder to get in and out of bed.
I have a couple of follow up appointments next week, but for the most part I’ll get to stay home starting Saturday. It will be a couple of weeks until my next round of chemo. (I will go into a facility where they will hook me up thru a drip for the chemo. This will take three and a half hours the first day and two hours on the second and third day.) Then they will wait 10 days or so to start running tests to see how effective the treatments have been.
My friends have to strings computer components around my lazy boy chair so that I can write an email. Still, it’s more than a little clumsy and awkward; which is to say that I can’t respond to your emails right away. But please feel free to ask absolutely any question whatsoever and I will answer all of your questions in my next big email.
Much love and peace to all of you….
Know in your heart that there is absolutely no cause for the slightest sorrow…..
Trust that the universe is unfolding exactly as it should….
Bill
P.S. My fifth and last spiritual teacher, Brian Qara, who is now my close and dear friend… Anyway, you should visit his website at www.theopenflame.org Brian thinks it’s a good idea to do a documentary of the process I’ll be going through.
On June 25th, 2003 at 1:45 PM on the cliffs overlooking the ocean at
I think the essence of what Brian really what to capture is an awakened man who consciously accepts and embraces the moment of his death. Which I also think is something maybe worth sharing.
New email:
I feel no sadness whatsoever….so there’s no reason for you to feel sad.
I have always felt that death got a bad reputation. We assume that it’s negative, but in truth? We don’t know squat about it.
I’m going to attach part of an email I sent to an old friend.
I have tried with no sense of urgency to explain the dimensions of my enlightenment. From the very day of my awakening, a line from Desiderata jumped into my head to become my personal motto: Whether we understand it or not, no doubt the universe is unfolding exactly as it should.
I am in touch with an ocean of Peace that I can fall back into at any time. I am no longer Bill. Bill is a story I used to tell myself. I am no longer a person. I pretend to be a person. Really, I am not of this world.
I only realize this as I look back… but when they came to me and told me that the cancer was all over the place and that I might have as little as 4 months to live? There was no reaction of any kind inside me. Not much different than having a nurse tell me that there wasn’t any more orange sherbert available in the nurses station.
I cry a good deal, but never for me. There is no sadness in me. Not a bit.
I am here to witness and accept the unfolding of the universe. Whatever unfolds automatically becomes part of the “Sacred What Is” (my emphasis.) The what-is is the what-is. How can one possibly argue with the what-is?
Witnessing and accepting the unfolding universe is all that I am….anything else is my pretending to be a person.
Much love…
Bill
Another EMAIL:
I had my first voluntary outing yesterday. Usually I just venture out when I have to go to some treatment or medical appointment, but yesterday I took Isha, Tim and Chime to Dixie Grill (which is a local favorite BBQ restaurant.) We ate for about an hour and a half.
Afterwards I had an appointment with Dr. Cho. My blood work was good and my liver work was good and I even had a good chest X-ray. But when I pressed him for more detail, like what phase my cancer was in. I figured he’d say Phase 3…but he said Phase 4. I asked for an update on my prognosis and he said that the “median” for those in my condition was 9 months. 50% died before reaching 9 months and 50% after 9 months. Dr. Brown still says I have a great chance to last 2 years.
Myself? I don’t think they can really tell. All I know is that if “good attitude” counted for anything I’d live forever.
Ever since my awakening I’ve been at least mildly “high” all the time. But since my accident and the nasty bit of news that followed, I have just been getting progressively higher every day. Ever since I’ve been home, I’ve chosen to pass on any marijuana because I was a little concerned that it might interfere with the “high” I was already experiencing.
But I had a couple of friends over last night and I was offered a hit and decided to go ahead and give it a try. (Cancer patients get a free pass on marijuana.) I only had that one hit…or “drag”…or sometimes called “toke”. Just one. But 20 minutes later I was giggling hysterically. I found it to be incredibly invigorating. It was like experiencing two different levels of “high” at the same time. Very peculiar but quite interesting.
I find that I have been laughing and crying four or five times as much as usual. I think I have managed to give up the “pretense” of not laughing or crying. I laugh because life is so funny and weird and endlessly ironic. I think I cry even more often. I may have tried to explain this before, but I don’t cry because there is any sadness in me. There really is not a shred. I am deeply content and satisfied with my life and wouldn’t trade it with anyone. (okay, so maybe if they were awakened I’d trade in a split second. Heh, heh, heh.) But I find myself crying because I am so easily moved…. So easily touched by the beauty and the wonder and the poignancy. I can cry at the face of a child in the newspaper. I can cry over a coach training his boys. I can see a couple of palm trees swaying against the clear blue sky and begin to weep. I always thought that enlightened beings were so stoic… when I pass on they will refer to me as the blubbering Buddha. (Heh, heh, heh.)
I can’t help but think that all of this strange talk would cause more than a few questions to arise. By all means. You can free absolutely free to ask me the most intimate and personal questions you can think of. I’d be happy to respond.
Much love to you all…
May each and every one of you…at least once in your life…experience the peace where I have come to reside….
Me…..pretending to be the person called Bill.
And yet another:
I had a 7:15am appointment for my Chemo this morning. I have to admit to being a little apprehensive. I was hoping I would continue to be free of any nasty side effects. What I experienced was a number of random thoughts that kept circling my head…trying to make me think that something bad was starting to happen. But it never happened.
I know I have shared this with many of you before, but because I love it so…and because I feel it really is SO revealing…I will choose to repeat it here. I am referring to my favorite Bible story. It is, of course, the story of Nicodemus. Christ had started talking about this thing called heaven and it just blew Nicodemus away. You see, there was never anything remotely similar to heaven in the Jewish tradition. The whole concept of heaven was entirely new. And Nicodemus was enthralled. He couldn’t let a minute go by without pestering Christ for more information about heaven.
What were we going to wear in heaven? What would we have to eat in heaven? How could we go about vanquishing our enemies from heaven? But most often of all… Just where WAS this heaven? How exactly would they get there? And where was/is heaven exactly again?
Okay, so Jesus ended up just a wee bit exasperated the way he did sometimes, and he turned on Nicodemus and he blasted him with some of the most potent words he ever uttered…”The Kingdome of Heaven is not “Lo, here” or “Lo, there”. The Kingdom of God is WITHIN YOU.”
What an incredible revelation…the Kingdom of God is within you. Paradise is within. All you ever wanted… all you ever sought. All of the wonders of God…. Within you. Not after you die. Not pie in the sky. Christ said, “The Kingdom of God is within you”. What a powerful, powerful statement.
And now I am here to validate His promise…the Kingdom of God is within you. It is paradise within. It is the phenomenon that I have been experiencing every day for the past two years.
So why should my attitude or my peace….or my own dis-concern with my own death…?
Why SHOULD I be concerned? Why should anything that happens in this world be of any consequence to me?
I am already in Heaven. It was within me.
As it is within each of you….
Peace be with you…
From the entity pretending to be the person….called,
Bill
Timeline
To put this together, it may be helpful to have a better idea of the timeline.
I moved to
Then on March 23rd, I had my scooter accident…and got my little talk with Dr. Cho a few days later…and started chemo a few days after that. I called Isha and she flew back to be with me. Within a week, my friend Tim Hamlett and my daughter Chime also flew to be at my side and support me.
A week or two later, I was released from Queen’s
In August or early September, I was able to move about a bit better. I could put a little weight on the right leg but still couldn’t bend it. I got myself a cane and started gimping about.
My good friend, Celeste, her mother and sister, came to visit in late September. I could be rolled to the garage, maneuver into the car and proceed to give them an island tour from the backseat.
After they left, two other high school friends, Bunny and Charley, also came to visit through my birthday. Chime also came back for the event. (It was incredible, by the way.) Bunny had come from
My leg had improved so much that on the morning of my birthday, I was able to work my way into the car and drive them about downtown
I got an MRI a few hours later and they found that the cancer had sent a number of cancer cells into my spinal column too deep to be operated on. I was paralyzed and back in a hospital bed. I went through another 12 rounds of radiation trying to get my legs back…to no avail.
I had been through a total of 28 rounds of chemo, 22 rounds of radiation and dozens of Neulasta shots…all of which were supposed to cause severely painful side effects. None of them gave me any problems at all.
The next four to six weeks at
I don’t know the details, but I got moved to the Veteran’s Center for Aging at
Which is where you’ll find me now. (That is, unless time has moved on and my ashes have been spread ‘neath the Cliffs of Waimanalo. This blog will most probably tell you where to find me.)
The good news is that the move seems to have me feeling much better…not to mention that I now have my own wireless laptop connection to the Internet and much better TV reception.
I beat the embolism in the lung and also beat a round of pneumonia.
Allow me to share a few more recent emails:
For the record, I'm FINALLY back online and on email. It took an incredible effort.
I had a great Thanksgiving. We got the
Me at Thanksgiving
Brian and Sarah at Thanksgiving
Yet another email:
Had a terrific time at Chime's party. (She turned 27.) Of course, we went to my favorite restaurant. I think she might have picked Cheesecake Factory...but we ended up making a table for ten at Beni Hanna's at
Shawn was sorely missed, but never forgotten.
Let me see... The wheelchair cab worked great. I'll be going to see Kong on the 23rd.
And yet another:
For myself? I had a marvelous, marvelous Xmas. Please don’t even think about which present I liked best. Chime and Shawn were by my side…what Dad could ask for any more? Shawn even wrote me a song…just for me….which moved us both to tears…
It would take too much tech to reproduce here…but you will each have a copy. (She will be famous.) Here are the lyrics, though…and they are dear to me….and move me now.
Birdsong
The morning dove knows the sum
Half and half add up to one
And though our paths may seem random
Along the way we find the crumbs
Leading us to our freedom
Youth and beauty, they succumb
Summer fades to autumn
And all the scars we call wisdom
Point to truths we can’t fathom
Journey’s end for you Pilgrim
All of you have alluded to my death in some oblique way, but I never felt it so cleanly and purely expressed as Shawn did in that last line. For some vague and very uncluttered reason, I had to deeply appreciate the honest clarity of those simple direct words. Thank you again, my daughter.
From Laurence, I got to see the joy in his eyes when I gave him my large, gray, Buddha…and I got to appreciate the generosity of his kindness…when he invited my daughters for a day of adventurous sailing….and on top of all that, he brought me a statue of Christ, which I had mentioned I wanted for my hospital room.
I also got a beautiful, creative and very thoughtful “Hula Santa” sent by one of my closest friends,
Mind you, I still have gifts trickling in all the time. Chime, Shawn, Isha and James gift me each and every day with their stunning love, presence and support. And the beautiful way their love so uncomplicated all our lives. And my wife Teri so enriched all our lives with her joy and the blessing of her unfettered presence when she visited us here for Chimes birthday a few days before Christmas. And no, I won’t even go to all the beautiful cards and telephone calls that have blessed and pleased me throughout the past couple of weeks.
And then there is the gift of joy bestowed on me when I give a cool gift to Shawn and feel the unfettered shower of appreciation that tickles me with gratitude in return.
As it happens, I was only able to give a few things…. But they were much appreciated….and that alone is so joyful to me. Chime got a cello (which she is researching….but she was so incredibly happy. Joshua and Gio got the Sony PlayStation Portable with which they could view movies, play music videos and play games. It will also play the Official Game of King Kong when it is released in the next few days. (They really should have met that Christmas deadline). As it happens, I gave Shawn and Chime a copy of that same PSP game setup so they (and I, perhaps) could try our hand at playing Kong.
Did we all experience similar states of bliss? I hope so….for each of you.
And finally, this email:
This is my New Year’s Day message:
Hey…what can I say? The doctor who wandered up to my hospital bed to tell me I was dying was the leading oncologist in
I’M ALIVE!!
It has all has worked out. I’m feeling good today. Feeling strong. I’ll last at least another couple of months. Maybe even three or four. I’m generally optimistic.
On the other hand? I know this particular cancer has a bad reputation for simply coming up with wicked things to throw your way. Could be anything. It could toss another embolism into a lung and I could be gone in an hour. So I know I really can’t get to cocky about my situation.
Let’s see… What am I most excited about? Aside from my daughters being with me…I am excited by the fact that I have only a few more days of work before I can tie together several chunks of my writings into one fairly coherent document…which I’ll then publish for all of you in an entirely new blog. From that point, I’ll be able to concentrate on just adding to the blog…like maybe being able to use my web cam to create some video / meetings for the blog that will actually be there after I’m gone.
I’m looking forward to the next 3 or 4 months of blog work, exciting TV sports events, going out for dinners and movies…and sharing more blessed and beautiful moments with friends and family….and getting stronger….eating well.
As for my state of mind? I have never had cause to waver. I live in heaven…as you do. I am as steady, as solid, as complete and as full and perfect as I have ever been. My cup runneth over. Bliss and contentment are always there to enfold me. I regret nothing. I worry about…nothing. I am never sad, nor depressed, nor worried.
I only wish the blessings of this state of consciousness to be visited by each of you. That each of you in your own time will come to experience this ocean of peace that I have described. It is your natural state. It is you…coming home to your true self. Being…at last…who you were meant to be.
What more could I possibly want for you? What higher goal? That you have you have nothing more to do than to take that last step to becoming yourself. To being fully who were meant to be. To step forward and accept your birthright…the natural state of enlightenment and awareness.
Change is not necessary. Simply to BE and accept without judgment…that you and this present moment and fully perfect. That you and this perfect present moment are really one and the same. You ARE the present…for what you are is nothing more than awareness of this “Sacred What-Is”.
The Present Moment moves too quickly for you to do anything more than to BE that perfect, non-judgmental awareness….and fully yourself in that moment.
True happiness is not a matter of mere changes in situation and random circumstance. True Happiness is not a matter of whether you are a “winner” today and then a “loser” tomorrow. True Happiness is realizing and BEING yourself and fully appreciating the wonder and intense beauty of that true self.
In the year ahead, find new ways to step forward and actively accept the unfolding of the universe. What is love but acceptance? What is love but universal and total non-judgment?
How is it really possible to deny that which is real? It is already real. It is already happening. It already IS the “Sacred What-Is”. How is anything but total non-judgmental acceptance even up for consideration? It already is what is. It’s too late not to accept without total and unconditional harmony. Why? Because that “Sacred What-Is” happens to be the sum total of all that is real in the universe. What is reality if not the unfolding face of NOW?
And you are that now. You are the unfolding of the universe. You are the awareness.
There is nothing more that is required of you in this Present Moment than to BE that fully aware and accepting being. Nothing more is necessary than for you to come home to yourself.
Be that you that you always meant to be. There is nothing more on earth that you could accomplish. When you become your true self…when you become your enlightened self…you tip the entire universe just that much closer towards the pinnacle of total awareness. The entire universe shifts to a new and different reality simply because you have added your awareness to the Present Moment.
In 2006…accept the challenge to be. To become that person you always promised yourself that you would someday become. Is there any greater achievement you could possibly share? What more could you accomplish that is more important than becoming who you really are? You are already enlightened…you just haven’t noticed. You’ve been too busy thinking about your problems and worries in that “unreal” world…to realize that the real world is already there at your fingertips.
You think in an unreal world…and exist in a real world. Your existence in the real world is the reality of your enlightenment. Your thinking distracts you from the true nature of your reality.
In 2006, step through that mirror of Illusion and become the person you were always meant to be. You have spent a lifetime looking forward to that moment. You have spent a lifetime promising yourself that you would someday BE that person.
The time is now.
© 2006 by Bill Costello
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