Saving My Mind…with Texas Hold ‘Em
Saving My Mind…with
I got up late and watched TV on and off and drifted….still dazed and confused…still wondering what was going on and what was going to happen to me.
I watched TV and drifted and surfed through the channels.
Early in 2003, I happened to land on a channel where they were playing some weird version of poker. I’d played poker for 30 years, but this poker was entirely different and I got intrigued.
No, I had no thought of the spiritual life or the path I once traveled.
But this new brand of poker was…interesting. I actually looked forward to another showing of the program coming up in the following week.
Hey…I was looking forward to something. I actually cared about something.
No, I do not know what I did while waiting for the poker show to come back…3pm on Wednesday…on the Travel Channel. It was called The World Poker Tour.
They would have these large poker tournaments where 500 or 600 players would play against each other and when they got down to just 10 players they’d have what they called a Final Table and they’d televise the playoff at that Final Table.
Each program was two hours long and by the end of the second program I had a solid idea of how this new brand of poker was played. But there were hundreds of little nuances…but which were most important?
Some of the commercials included places where you could buy books that supposedly explained those nuances. The game, by the way, was called No-Limit Texas Hold ‘Em….and I was hooked. I sent away $300 to $400 to buy books written by the experts and champions of Texas Hold ‘Em.
I also bought an on-line software program that simulated the actual poker tournament. I installed the software and started playing hundreds of poker hands until 3 or 4 in the morning. Time didn’t matter.
The books arrived and I dove in.
Yes, reading the books was very difficult. But I was interested.
For me, this was something completely new under the sun and I cared about it.
Understand that I started playing cards when I was about 6. I started playing an adult version of pinochle when I was about ten. Over the years I had learned dozens of different card games, not to mention chess, backgammon and a variety of different board games. That is to say that I was an avid “game player” from an early age.
And now my entire life revolved around this phenomenon called Texas Hold ‘Em.
The TV show had people playing cards on camera. There were spotlights and cameras. Nobody ever had people playing cards on TV before.
And they had special cameras set up so that you could see the cards they were playing. You could actually get into the decision-making process.
It was incredible.
I played Texas Hold ’Em on computer for hours and hours and hours. I studied the books…the percentages…the odds…the opening hands to play and those to toss away…depending on exactly how far from the dealer you were sitting with any two cards.
(You see, the same two cards have a slightly stronger value…and should be bet or raised or folded depending on how close one was to the dealer. If you bet too soon with a particular set of cards, then you increase the odds that someone would raise after you had bet or folded. Endless nuances…but they could be learned.)
So I studied….and gained experience with each hand I played on computer. Each player at the computer could be programmed to play better or worse. Each player could be made to play more or less aggressively.
There were lessons about a player’s reaction to the cards…how he held them…how he moved closer or farther from the table.
I spent a solid eight weeks totally immersed in Texas Hold ‘Em.
Then I signed up for a poker tournament at the Bicycle Club in
There were 512 players in the Tuesday event that started at 3pm. At 2am I finished in 19th place and was awarded $318 in prize money. (That night, the top 25 players won a share of the total pot.) Nineteenth out of 512. Incredible.
It was one of the most exciting experiences of my life…certainly the most exciting experience of my last 20 years.
What a rush!!
On Thursday night? I finished 10th…for $485 in prize money.
After studying the game for eight weeks, I had won prize money in two tournament events against more than 500 veteran players.
Incredible!!
Even more incredible? I had my mind back. I could concentrate.
So now I played poker…going to the Bicycle Club or
And I drifted.
And wondered what was going to happen to me? What was I going to do?
What happened is sort of strange and weird to me.
Within a three to four month period, three or four major events came together in a most unusual way.
1.) I managed to reclaim my own mind to the point where I was doing crossword puzzles again and reading books like they couldn’t print them fast enough.
2.) After reviewing my case for almost 2 years, the Veterans Administration decided that I was both “totally” (%100) and permanently disabled due to severe Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. Social Security decided to go along with the VA’s assessment. Between the two of them? I was paid a “better than average” pension…tax free with all medical expenses paid. It was enough to take care of me fairly well for the rest of my life.
3.) I found an ad on the Internet for a young spiritual teacher who was holding meetings to discuss Inner Peace. I went to the meeting and found a new teacher.
I found it to be particularly ironic that within about a month I got my mind back and was awarded a pension for being mentally disabled. Also, the pension was large enough to remove any and all remaining stress that might have actually caused increased mental disability. That is, if I hadn’t been awarded the pension, I’d have ended up back in the Psych Ward due to my inability to either hold a job or deal with the stress of people in a work situation. Is this still true in my current level of consciousness? My paralysis makes this something of a moot point.
It is true that I still relied on medications to ease some residual depression (from what, actually?) and some sleeping pills for a continuing sleep disorders….but still…I was in fairly good shape.
I had no idea what I was going to do with my life, but aside from the fact that my life basically starting over at 57…I was feeling pretty good. I was definitely feeling much better than I had a month earlier.
The following week, I went to the first meeting with Brian…my final teacher.
© 2006 by Bill Costello
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