Giving Up the Search
Giving Up the Search
Brian held meetings in a small little New Age gathering place in
But the truth is…in spite of all the teachers I’d had…and all the hundreds and hundreds of books I’d read…I really wasn’t getting a handle on what this guy was trying to say. It was very perplexing. Really. He seemed to be talking around all the meaty concepts and principles. I just couldn’t get a handle on him.
The following week, I decided to join Brian on his little “stage”. His format was to talk for about an hour and then invite someone up to join him and he’d help them address spiritual issues. Microphones would record the dialog which was downloaded by computers to CD’s which could be purchased on your way out the door.
When I joined Brian on stage, we chatted a bit until Brian popped the question. “So, Bill. Are you ready to give up the search for enlightenment?”
The question stunned me. Why would he want me to give up the search for enlightenment? I really didn’t understand. I think I got a little miffed. Like the guy was pulling my leg to make some point. But he didn’t go on to make the point.
“No, I’m not. The search for enlightenment is all I have left. I’ve been searching all of my life. I don’t have anything left except the hope for enlightenment.” I think I came off as a wee bit up tight about the very idea.
I mean, this guy was supposed to be there to help me find my way…and he wanted me to give up? Somehow I fumbled back to my chair…more than a little confused.
Brian didn’t follow up with his punch line that night. You see, there was this continuing “invitation”. Tradition had it that the original teacher named Ramadan…from
As the invitation is traditionally issued…
STOP! Give up the search! What you are searching for is right here. Enlightenment is right here, right now! Give up the search…..
After the meeting, I met briefly with Brian and requested that we might get together for a private session. We made a date to meet the following Saturday at 1pm on the cliffs overlooking the ocean in
Brian was there when I arrived, sitting on the grass. I walked up and started talking rather abruptly.
I said something like, “Look, I really am ready for something…but I just have no idea whether you have what I’m looking for or not. I mean, I’m having trouble figuring out what it is that you’re selling.”
Brian smiled and we started to talk.
Truth is, I had trouble understanding what Brian was saying. Truthfully? I always felt like Brian just rambled a bit when he talked. I got lost easily. I had trouble following his train of thought. Still we talked. More and more, Brian talked and I listened. Perhaps Brian droned a bit, but I hung in there.
I sat on a bench and Brian was on the grass leaning towards me. There were little paths where people walked their dogs, strolled, jogged. We were midway between the street where cars were driving by..and the fence that kept people from falling off the cliffs. The cliffs were maybe 60 to 80 yards high. The sun was shining. Dogs trotted by followed by their owners.
At some point, there seemed to be just a bit of a blob of color…Brian talking in my ear. The cars drove by.
And after not being able to concentrate on exactly what Brian was saying…I suddenly heard Brian saying softly, “Just let the thoughts go by like the cars passing on the street. Just let the thoughts go by like the cars passing on the street.”
And then, my vision…which was generally unfocused…suddenly pinged into focus on the grass. And in that single moment, I happened to notice that there was a difference. And I knew…knew…after 20 years of not experiencing the sensation…I knew without question that I had returned.
Two or three beats later, I was complete…filled…I was whole.
Probably as a result of deeply buried childhood trauma, I had spent most all of my life with what felt like a huge gaping hole in my chest. I was damaged and always felt it…physically. I felt “less than” and inferior. In a very personal way, I felt like I was taking up space that rightfully belonged to people who deserved to be able to walk about freely on the planet and I knew that I was never one of those people.
And yet, just a beat or three after that tiny little shift in focus, I was totally and completely cured.
I don’t know how universal it is, but Catholics had this common prayer called The Hail Mary…which starts out, “Hail Mary, full of grace…” And somehow that rings true to me. I am “full of grace”. There’s also the expression, “My cup runneth over..”
I’m only trying to say that there’s something profoundly essential…about being so full and whole and complete…and cured…undamaged. And this all happened in a heartbeat or two.
I looked around our little niche on the cliffs and then back into Brian’s smiling eyes…and we both laughed. And there was no doubt that I wasn’t in
And…as before…everything had changed. At the same time, everything was the exactly the same and yet…simultaneously…everything was different.
I looked back at Brian and we both grinned like idiots.
Remember, I had attended two meetings with this guy…for a total of no more than a total of five hours. And he and I had just talked for roughly an hour. Six hours in this man’s presence and I was suddenly awakened. Some students sit at the feet of the Master for 40 to 50 years and not be any closer to awakening. It seems like I cheated.
Brian never asked me if I had awakened. I didn’t need to say a word. Be both just kept grinning and clowning around. I may have mentioned the “wholeness” … maybe not.
After a bit…I felt so very, very good…but what was there to say? I suppose I could have knelt at Brian’s feet and kissed the hem of his jeans but…it didn’t seem appropriate.
In that moment of awakening? Brian just naturally stopped being my teacher and became my friend.
Yes, I know… the majority of you probably feel like I should have spent more time being thankful and appreciative.
Truth is that, when awakened, appreciation is sort of obviously recognized as yet another societal performance. (What I did was, later that month; I made some hefty donations to the spiritual organization that Brian was trying to get off the ground. There much to be said for fawning over Brian, but he appreciated the check even more… You may arrange for a similar donation at: http://theopenflame.org/ )
We slapped each other on the back a few times, acknowledged our love…and Brian had to go get ready for work. I realized that I had to drive back over the 405 to the Valley and I could suppress the groan that escaped my lips. Then I laughed aloud.
I shared with Brian, “You know, I have to drive all the way back over the 405 in the middle of rush hour….and I couldn’t help but groan,” I lamented. “But then again, but then again? I’ll be making that drive enlightened,” I said with a laugh. “It shouldn’t be all that bad.”
It wasn’t. I laughed about half that distance, on and off. Beautiful drive. Heh, heh, heh.
© 2006 by Bill Costello
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